The following is an excerpt from my book, Broken to Bulletproof.
The year was 2012. I had just confessed years of hidden, secret, sinful behavior, including a fierce pornography and sex addiction as well as secret alcohol and prescription pill abuse. It was like detonating a grenade in the middle of my life. My marriage of 22 years was now in serious jeopardy. I was ashamed of myself in every way possible. My heart was riddled with the bullet holes of fear, shame, guilt, regret, disappointment, disloyalty, deceit, addiction and a host of other spiritual wounds.
“…in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.”
– Ephesians 6:16
To me, I equated the “flaming arrows of the evil one” to BULLETS and I felt spiritually like I had been living under enemy fire for years…and years. My soul was riddled with the bullet holes of shame, fear, anger and resentment.
Doubt set in. While I knew I was acting in obedience to the words I heard from God, I was feeling like I had made a terrible mistake as I drove back up the dark, winding mountain road to the hotel where I was staying. I knew I had now set in motion something that could not be reversed and I had no idea what it meant for my life going forward. I had an empty pit in my stomach and I was scared.
It was difficult navigating the road at night, trying to see through teary, swollen eyes…my head pounding from crying so hard with my wife over the last several hours. I knew I had crushed her heart, shattered all her dreams and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to drink so badly, but drinking was part of what had gotten me in the mess I was in now. I pounded on the steering wheel and tried to keep my SUV between the lines. What had I just done? I felt even more alone and desperate than I ever had before.
I cried out to God…
“Jesus! What am I going to do now? I just crushed my wife’s heart! She is going to divorce me! I don’t know how to live life without her! Without my kids! Please help me!”
Now, I don’t want to sound wacky here and I don’t want to give the impression that this is an everyday occurrence for me by any means. I said earlier that I’m familiar with being in the presence of God. I’ve experienced him before, so I know what it’s like. But this was something all together different, even different than just a couple of days before when I had heard God’s voice. This was a rare, personal encounter with the God of the universe. At what was now my very lowest moment, it seemed as if He invaded the cabin of my SUV and I became suddenly aware that He was there, whispering a message that cut through the darkness…
“You are now like a clear sheet of glass.”
A clear sheet of glass? My life had been so dark, so full of lies and deceit. I had worn a mask for most of my life, pretending to be someone and something I was not. It was as if my confession had wiped that slate clean, but I still didn’t like it. I yelled back at God…
“I don’t want to be a sheet of glass! Glass breaks! I’m tired of being broken, Lord! I don’t want to break anymore!”
I pounded on the steering wheel and screamed out loud and I meant it. I was broken beyond repair and had no interest in ever experiencing that kind of pain again. I thought about drinking…that would stop this pain. If EVER I needed a drink, it was right now.
That’s when He whispered again…
“As long as you keep telling the truth, you will be a clear sheet of BULLETPROOF GLASS.”
Bulletproof glass. Now that’s an entirely different deal. That was good. I loved it. It’s unbreakable; a symbol I could hang onto. It is a symbol of strength and protection. It’s transparent so that light shines through it. Nothing is hidden, but all is safe behind bulletproof glass. It is like armor of light for my heart, my soul. A verse came to mind…
ROmans 13:12
“The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.”
Hope.
This imagery from God gave me hope in a desperate time of hopelessness. The thought that God would use my vulnerability to create a shield of transparent protection from the spiritual and emotional pain I was suffering gave me tremendous hope. Just tell the truth and I am safe. Beautiful.
I knew my life was set on a new course now and, even though I had no idea where it would take me, this idea of living my life with transparency, authenticity…this was an exciting new proposition. Suddenly, long-forgotten verses from the Bible came flooding to mind with new meaning…
“To gain your life, you must lose it.”
“All things are possible with God.”
“My power is made perfect in your weakness.”
This exchange gave me courage to accept and embrace my brokenness. I made the rest of the trip up the mountain with a new-found hope and a heart so grateful it overcame the fear that had engulfed me. The desires to drink and medicate the pain of my shame and fear faded away – those bullets couldn’t penetrate now. I felt a shield around my heart that was impenetrable so that I didn’t have to lie to protect it any longer. It was a new beginning with a new way to live life – a path away from the pain of brokenness and heartbreak into a new life of transparency behind a clear sheet of bulletproof glass; from Broken…to Bulletproof.